receiving information...

I'm supposed to be asleep... am supposed to wake up early tomorrow... need to be in Prince by 7.45am. But I can't...

Reached home past 1am... body tired, dark circles around the eyes... felt so *unpretty*. Papa and Amt were still up... watching J-Lo & Ralph Fiennes in a *too good to be true* movie. "Dah makan?" Papa asked. Told him that I'm too exhausted to eat. Earlier Mama had called to check whether I'd be coming home for dinner... that was 6 hours ago.

Went to Prince to check up on things for the event tomorrow. AM briefed on what had happened... luckily she was there and being the pro-active her, big blunder was avoided, although there was still a blunder. The person affected were unhappy. Tomorrow must update boss on what had happened so that he can *talk* to the person. Esok pun tiba2 kena arrange for an unexpected visit by another *guest* utk berjumpa Big Boss #3. Luckily JMS will be in office so had asked for her assistance to handle the matter. Esok also must talk to RH and get him to talk to the appropriate people.

Waited for NN to finish up on the documents for boss... pity her, she has been staying back late to do what is necessary. Kesian dia and her family... I know exactly how it feels when a parent is often home late. And tonight she terpaksa stay there, walaupun tak dirancang. Tapi takpe... by Friday all will be over and she can go back to her routine. A wonderful mother NN... and a great co-worker. I am blessed... Must remember to thank her, and AM, and many others...

I reached home in record time... masa bayar parking it was 12.58am. Sampai depan gate rumah 1.05am. Is that right? I don't think I drove that fast... but then again, takkan lah ada time warp. My house isn't that far... so that's very possible. Had called home about me about to reach the house. Papa buka kan gate. Mama had called earlier to remind me to call before sampai so that boleh buka kan gate. "Ramai orang jahat... don't take chances" she always said. So sampai terus zoom into porch.

After taking a shower, I turned on my laptop... to check on some emails that I perasan tapi belum sempat baca. As usual, I'm drawn to another site that I often visit... just to see. Nothing new... but my eye caught a link. From there, I discovered...

You always wish that you know things that you don't... with the optimism that it will make you be more aware, be better abled to take on certain actions, satisfy a curiousity... macam2. But lest do we realise that more information may also lead towards frustration, it may crush dreams, complicate matters... That's exactly what had happened tonight. Perhaps I've been looking through rose-tinted lense all these while...

Mymot told me to seek divine guidance. Well, I guess this is the sign that I've been searching for. It is not what I had hoped... as a matter of fact, it validated the opposite. To be truthful, tonight is not the first time that I've received *enlightenment*. It had come... in doses, small at first but tonight was the mega load. He knows that I won't be able to absorb a *big bang*... so at least, I've conditioned myself for such eventuality. I guess He had observed that *she's still not getting the hint* and thus decided to make it clear. And the timing was just right... so that I would do or not do the appropriate thing when there is contact. He always knows what's best for me...

So... Am I surprised? Not really. Am I disappointed? Sangat sekali. But I guess that's life... it takes unexpected turns. Surprises can excite you or can squash you. As a muslim, we believe that everything happens for a reason. We should berusaha but trust in Him in whatever outcome that has been designed for us.

Perhaps this is my fate... this is what is designed for me. I still hope that my chance will come... I believe that I deserve such *completeness*. But nonetheless I wonder... why? Why have I not found what many do so naturally...

For now, all I can do is continue praying... but tonight tears will fall as I lull myself to sleep...