where to next?

It's Sunday and it's early... I couldn't go back to sleep. I suppose rigorous pot scrubbing at 5.30am, woke me up, heheh... Kalau hari kerja tu mata kuyu je lepas Subuh.

Tried to lull myself into sleep by turning on the tv... didn't work. DVD pun dah habis... went down to sidai kain, and now I'm writing...

Why like this?? I don't know...
Was it the coffee that I took last night? Tapi smlm tido ok je...
Was it the things that need to be done at the office? I checked my email last night and saw a few things yg perlu disiapkan tomorrow, hmph...
Was it the things that I need to figure out for next year's deliverables? double hmph...
Was it one of the things that AHB said during our session? big HMPH...
... maybe it's the combination of the above. I hate feeling this way...

During LDP we were asked to draw four pictures... satu a picture of when you were 10 years old, satu what you were doing 10 years ago, satu to draw you sekarang and the final one is what you think you'll be doing in 10 years' time... I had the hardest time thinking about what I would be doing in 2017...

Used to have clarity on how my future would look like when I was younger. Knew exactly what I wanted and what I have to do to achieve it. Did the plan work out as intended? No...

And now?? I feel like I'm just *floating*. Like what Aimy said, I'm not grounded.

I'm envious of those who lead their lives with rigour. I looked at MYMY's and Zie's fotopages... I wish I had that same *zing!*. I read MrB's blog... he seems to know what he wants. Essentially people move on... they don't get stuck in a place.
When did I lose my sense of ambition?
This was one of the main reasons why I had wanted to pergi belajar last year... to rediscover myself. Tapi kita hanya merancang, Tuhan yg menentukan... did a 180 and stayed on when the offer was made. I got excited again, which is good. A new area and responsibility, I like the challenge.

It's almost 1 year on... the buzz has fizzled. Although it constantly throws curve balls at me and I do my darnest to do it well, I realise that work doesn't feed my soul... no matter how good a job I've done. I get jolts like shots of caffeine, but they're temporary. Perhaps it's because I don't have big ambitions in that department.

It's no fun living a life when you're just going through the day with no particular destination in mind.

So what do I want? What is the end-game? I need to figure that out... soon!