of restraint, action and letting go...

True love begins when nothing is looked for in return
Antoine De Saint-Exupery

It's not your salary that makes you rich, it's your spending habits
Charles A. Jaffe

Man, alone, has the power to transform his thoughts into physical reality; man, alone, can dream and make his dreams come true
Napoleon Hill

For one reason or another, all three quotes strike a cord with me today...

Let's start with the easiest, quote #2.

After all that spending orgy in the US, I feel *poor*. The cheque I sent to the bank cleared yesterday and I'm huit mille quatre cents down. What's the date today? And when is gaji? I haven't been in this situation for a long while... it's just that there has been a lot of expenditure lately. Car roadtax had to be renewed, hence kena buy insurance cover. The bill from some indulgent expenditure last month also datang. That's what happens when you don't plan properly.

Admittedly, I have not been very prudent with my expenditure these past year or two. Had I exercised more restraint, a lot more could have been saved. If I had been more careful with my purchases since I started earning my living, I could have savings close to a six-digit figure. But as they say... besar periuk, besarlah kerak. And memang banyak betul kerak yang sia-sia... sangat banyak. This weekend when I do my spring cleaning, I'll have the ball park figure. Let's hope that it won't make me knock my head on the wall...

But on a positive note, I received my MIA membership letter today :) Which means that I'll be entitled for double increment... woohoo!! OK... the entire additional amount will be put aside and not touched... no matter what. Percentage wise, my increment and bonus this year won't be as good as previous years. Tapi alhamdulillah... whatever the amount might be.

Moving on to quote #3...

I've been thinking about what I want to do in life... so that years down the road, when I look back, it can be something that I'm proud of. But thus far, it hasn't been something that I have been actively doing... at least not in a direct manner. So far, it has been a dream... and that was about it.

Faz wrote to me recently stating that she has similar desires. Bagai pucuk dicita ulam mendatang, today my organisation announced its staff movement initiative. The time has come to act... Gave my name to the committee members (TT said that I was the first to come forward)... it's time walk the talk.

Also today, I had expressed to boss of the area of work that I'd like to be involved in the bigger scheme of things. His immediate statement, "are you rich?" Huh? what kind of response was that? Then he elaborated and told a story about someone he knows that left a permanent job to work with an NGO. Ooohhh... nope. I'm not rich. I still need to earn a living. So I guess for now, we start by doing volunteer work and start putting in efforts towards being in a job that involves predominantly helping people...

And finally #1...

Other than the love of my family and friends, I can't say that I've ever been in love with someone. I have loved... but have I ever experienced true love as per definition above?

what i can remember
is alot like water
trickling down a page
of the most beautiful colors
i can't quite put my
finger down on the moment
that i became like ... this

you see, i'm the bravest girl
you will ever come to meet
and yet i shrink down to nothing
at the thought of someone
really seeing me
i think my heart is wrapped around
and tangled up in winding weeds

but i don't wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my.. imperfections
even though my feet are trembling
and every word i say comes stumbling
i will bare it all.. watch me unfold
unfold

these hands that i hold
behind my back are
bound and broken by my own doing
and i can't feel
anything, anymore
i need a touch to remind me
i'm still real..

my soul
it's dying to be free
i can't live the rest of my life
so guarded
it's up to me to choose..
what kind of life i lead.

cause i don't wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my.. imperfections
even though my feet are trembling
and every word i say comes stumbling
i will bare it all.. watch me unfold
unfold

i will allow someone to love me
i will allow someone to love me...

love me.. love me...