wonderings of kakijalan: the cat is out of the bag...

The truth has finally sank in... I was told of the date some time back, but today I received the written confirmation. It felt surreal. Though I was involved in the whole thing from day 1 and was instrumental in affecting the change, I still can't believe that it is actually happening.

Perasaan yang bercampur aduk...

Over the weekend during the team building, while observing the industrious FSD-ians setting up a flag pole, boss said to me "So you're going to miss all this...". All these while, it had been our secret... plus a few others. Only in the past 1 1/2 weeks had the whole thing became a wildly spread rumour... courtesy of a *request* by certain individual. That didn't materialise, but the change was still taking place.
"Yes... am going to miss them all" I replied. And that's the honest truth. My decision had nothing to do with them... it was entirely due to me and how I felt. Boss had been understanding and supportive... despite my suspicion that it is not quite what he had in mind.
"Are you ok with me going?" I asked him... to which he didn't provide a reply and just sighed while keeping his eyes focused on the team who was struggling to put up the pole. I had asked him the same question about a month ago... and til today, I've not found a clear answer.
"Is it really alright with you?" I pressed on... to which he just extended an even louder and longer hmmm. From his non committant reply, I sensed that it was not a decision that he was entirely in support of. He had never said no... and I had indicated to him early on that I would only make the move if he can find a pengganti. But him being him, he wouldn't have stopped it... despite the issues that he may face. "Kalau dah nama tu sentiasa dibibir orang... susah... it is beyond one's control" he added on.

How ironic it was... one of the main reason that I had wanted the change was to be able to rise again and yet the *gangguan* was due mainly to people having me in their minds. Sangat perplexing...

The whole exchange made me feel ridden with guilt... but then again, it was still a *go*... it was just a question of *where to*.

Today while waiting for a meeting, boss said to me "So your memo dah keluar... I need to tell the rest of the department". Earlier I had received the written transfer confirmation which noted that it will be effected on 2 May 2008.
"When do you plan to do it? I asked.
"Today lah... before I balik. Around 6 o'clock"
"Would you mind if I tell the section first? Would like to inform them in person", I requested.
He agreed and so I gathered my people in my room to break the news.

The response I received was totally unexpected. Some of them said that they had heard of the rumour... news of someone new coming in, me moving. I had not expected that they would react the way they did. The whole process tugged my heart...
I came clean... explained that it was initiated by me, with some gangguan along the way... that in a way, the move was inevitable. Clarified the motivation and assured them that it had nothing to do with them or the people around. It was just something that I had to do for myself. Seeing their faces made me feel worse...
I assured them that while I won't be physically here, I would still be around. Just a phonecall, email, sametime away... that I'll always be available and that we'll continue to work together in a different way. Bukannya jauh sangat pun... about 30 steps away. But as they rightly pointed it out... it won't be the same. Talked on about my replacement... in explaining who he was, a laughter broke. Told them that I was confident that they'll be ok... that the new person would add a different dimension... that they'll continue to function well without me. I knew it sounded hallow, but as a leader, I needed to give that morale boost and assurance.

I had to go for a meeting at 5:30pm so when the email was sent out at 6:04pm, I was not in the office. I didn't return until well past 7pm and most people have already gone home.

The change was what I had asked for, but it was a hallow joy.

It wasn't until today that I realise how much I will miss them... what I'm letting go...

But it was a change that needs to take place... no matter how hard it may be...

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.
- C. S. Lewis