it takes guts...

Tonight as I was about to leave the office, I checked an sms on my phone.

The sender told me that she had tendered her resignation because she cannot tahan with her boss lagi. She did it without securing another job. So far her job hunting has not been successful. Hence she cannot join us for Mamma Mia.

I was surprised.

I was amazed.

She has guts.

I would not and don't have the courage to leave a job cold feet like that. I think no matter how I hate the job or the person at the workplace, I can never do that. I'm a very risk averse person when it comes to these things. I think it is because I've experienced it before when I was younger when my dad was out of a job.

Although we weren't in trouble and continued more or less with our normal lifestyle, the fear lingers.

I remember that time very well. I think I was 11.

As usual whenever my dad was at home during the week, I would mengada2 and ask him to send me to school instead of walking. Tak jauh pun the school from our house. Saje... ngada-ngada. It was not normal for him to be at home on a weekday but to me, it was a golden opportunity. At first he refused, then I don't know what I said or did, he pergi jugak hantar I pergi sekolah.

That night my mom pulled me aside after dinner. She told me what had happened and said that we'd have to be more careful with our expenses from then on. That was my first ever experience of having the feeling of *heart dropped* (I think). My dad carried a worried, troubled look for several weeks.

Fortunately about a month or so later, my dad got another job.

That experience changed him somewhat. He used to be carefree, adventurous. He tuned down, became more low-key. He used to go to work with great excitement. After that, we goes to work because he needs to support his family.

I never ever want to be in that situation again. Which is perhaps one of the reasons why I've not moved job until now. Don't get me wrong... I'm happy where I am, I have great friends at work, have a work that is constantly challenging. But deep down, I know that this is not really my passion. As time passes, it gets increasingly difficult to keep myself motivated. There's a lot of responsibility and expectation on me though. I no longer carry the *zing* as I used to. Once in a while, I do get that dose of excitement, but let's face the truth... only about 60% of what I currently do actually gives me that rush. The rest of it I do because I have to.

It isn't perfect, but it affords me a comfortable life and allows me to continue to indulge in the things I love.

I don't know how to get *excited* again. I don't think I can, if I stay here. To pursue my passion means I will have to forego so many things. I don't think I'm ready to do so. And when you have a family that depends on you, the equation becomes even more complicated.

And so I stay on... doing my best to maintain my enthusiasm, waiting for that occasional burst of excitement.

I hope I won't regret it when I'm older...